I don't want to be racist.
I don't want to be prejudiced.
I don't want to be judgmental.
Because of recent events--
conversing with friends,
watching the struggle for racial justice,
reading books on racism,
engaging in uncomfortable self-reflection--
I am suddenly and painfully aware
of how dismissive I am
of all kinds of people
because they are different
(not speaking and behaving as I do)
and because I don't understand
why they do what they do.
This kind of judgmentalism
devalues people.
They don't matter;
they're not my concern.
Ir can happen
when I drive by someone begging on the street corner,
when I see an encampment of those experiencing homelessness,
when a car passes blasting their music (mariachi, rap, or heavy metal),
when I watch news reports of violence,
when I see people ignoring social distancing
or refusing to wear masks,
when political leaders intentionally mislead and lie.
JUDGMENT!
I hate this within myself.
But things are shifting:
awareness, for one--
"I'm doing it again. Why?
"I am saddened and frightened that I'm doing this.
"Why is this one of my prejudices?
"How has this become my own internalized racism?
"What does this do for me? How does it protect my ego?
Why is my ego so fragile that I need to do this?"
inner dialog, for another--
"This is not who I want to be.
"This is not the person God wants me to be.
"This is ugly, unfair, unkind.
"This is childish, petty, hurtful.
"Who I am inside (even when I think I'm hiding it),
is who I become on the outside.
"No!
"Enough!
"Stop!"
and outer behavior--
practicing responding with compassion,
educating myself,
doing the hard listening,
talking about it with friends,
blogging as I'm doing now to share my process
and invite others to so the same,
looking for opportunities
to connect with individuals and communities
I would otherwise dismiss or avoid,
donating money to those working for justice and healing.
It's a powerful, ongoing, inner struggle,
which I'm praying resolves
on the side of love and action,
with eyes that see all people
as children of God.
Because all people
are children of God.
Perhaps this can be my new mantra,
spoken within, spoken without:
All people
are children of God.
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