She: Where have you been?
I: What do you mean?
She: Well, I know you've been somewhere,
because here you are again,
but the last time was on September 3, 2021.
So I ask you again,
where have you been?
I: It's complicated.
She: Yes, yes, it's always complicated.
We're complicated;
you're complicated;
life's complicated.
[Pause.]
She: So where have you been?
I: Where have I been?
Umm...wandering in the wilderness of pain.
Lost in the forest of self-pity.
Stuck in the bog of sadness.
She: None of which is worth sharing?
I: Who wants to hear it, really?
Everyone's dealing with their own pain,
their own self-pity,
their own sadness.
Not to mention confusion,
loss,
fear...
She: Swamped,
overwhelmed,
uncertain,
scared,
both stuck and unmoored...
I: Yes.
She: In the past,
you process here,
and in processing,
what you said mattered,
not only to you (which would be enough)
but also to others.
Do you know that?
I: I reached a point
where I no longer had anything to say,
or what I had to say
no longer felt...worthwhile.
Who really wants to hear it?
Did anyone?
She: Yeah, that sounds like depression.
I: Yeah, it sounds like depression.
She: Robs one of motivation,
inspiration,
hope,
meaning.
I: All of that.
She: And to answer your earlier question:
Who want to hear it?
You do.
We do.
And between you and the three of us,
might that be enough?
I: It was before.
She: So why now, today?
I: I'm not sure.
I saw my journal.
I opened it.
I picked up a pen.
I started writing...
She: And here we are.
I: Here we are.
She: Here we are, indeed.
I: Here I am
not really saying anything.
She: Maybe you don't need to.
Do you remember how this all began?
I: Summer of 2010.
She: Yes.
I: Responding to your invitation
to find my voice,
to chronicle my journey.
You gave me a spiritual practice.
She: And?
I: And it was that.
She: Indeed it has been--
all those days with us.
I: Yes, with you.
She: And today it is again.
I: I guess so, yes.
She: You sound unconvinced.
I: I'm afraid to say
that it will be anything more than today.
She: You don't need to,
but I do have one final question.
I: Sure.
She: Are you still, each day,
experiencing us?
growing?
discovering?
becoming?
I: Yes,
but I'm just so weary.
She: Come to us,
and we'll give you the rest you need.
[Pause.]
I: Yes. Rest.
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